Pastor John

Pastor John has had many forms in the past, including Arius, Muhammed, Buddha, Martin Luther, and many others. His actual name is John Constante. His father is Tinious McBergenstein, and his mother is Zejewgyatt, two very influential Zionist Jews, making Pastor John one of the most infamous Jews alive. He is known for founding Pastorism. He speaks with a deep, grainy southern accent and is prone to anger, sometimes ending conversations with "Your asking me too many questions about my religion. Goodbye."

John is one of the oldest characters, being born in ???. When he was young, and living in northern India he fell asleep under a tree, and woke up with a crowd of people surrounding him and calling him the Buddha, creating his first and least studied form, known as Pastor Buddha

John would travel to the region of Palestine, where he would become a follower of Christ and would eventually, in AD 62, became a Priest in Alexandria for a while as a Catholic. However, in AD 318 he would get his own ideas and formally be declared as an apostate, after he formed Arianism

After a while, John would create the heresy of Nestorianism in AD 430. This is the most unknown era of John

John would later around the 6th century travel to Arabia to spread Nestorianism, but would eventually decide to form the Islamic religion as a joke, but he eventually was known as a "prophet" or as Prophet John. He would then marry 6 year old Aisha and launch several military campaigns in the middle east to spread Islam. The Pastorist Bible of John's theology is heavily based off of the Quran, which was also composed by Pastor John. He told hundreds of Arabs to pray to Poopula C. Schlenton and call him "ullah". 

However, things would change as Prophet John would move to Germany, and eventually became a Catholic priest for a while. In the 15th century, however, he wrote 95 Johnses, and gathered much support as he created the Protestant heresy. He would later be involved in the Thirty Years Francis as the main Protestant leader, and would fight in countless battles against a time traveling Pope Francis. On many occasions, Pastor John would be captured by Francis and would be touched, which eventually led him into loving gay relationships.

After several hundred years of harsh imprisonment, Pastor John would form a small Lutheran town named Christville, which resembles the average 1950s small town white picket fence communities. Due to the amount of times the saggy Francis touched him early, his sanity began to slip, and he started to go insane. He began having intercourse with hundreds of people at a time, and would somehow manage to become pregnant, where he would piss out thousands of babies at a time, which later mutilated his penis, known as the flabby john.

Pastor John would then begin blaming Catholics for all evils, and that Pope Francis was building a massive laser in the dome of St. Peters basilica to try to kill him and all true nondenominational "Christians". Shortly after, he finished building the MegaJohn, a massive mega church filled with tons of different laser shows and pyrotechnics. Later instead of giving a sermon, he would just invite people to have intercourse with him on the stage, then give a rant about Catholics or how people need to impregnate him

Pastor John in AD 2008 would be driven to max insanity after writing a book known as the "Pastorist Bible Of John" and later formed his own religion named Pastorism. He would then later marry his Catholic stepdaughter, known as Il Nig, and the orphaned daughter of a wealthy Calabrian landowner. 

After Blar was bailed out of prison, Pastor John and Blar would form a new church in Columbia named the "Heresy of Detmoldism." after about 2 days, Pastor John got bored and returned to Pastorism, letting Blar lead the small cult.
Due to Pastor John's many forms, his entire day is filled with having to celebrate with different religious services. At whichever location he attends, he has to quickly change it to fit the next one. For example, at the Megajohn he would have to change the stage from an orthodox liturgy, to a megachurch service, to a Muslim mosque, to a Jewish synagogue, to a satanic black mass, to a Lutheran service. Because of this, he must also adapt to that service, so he often reuses the same sermons, just with a few changed words. 

After we discovered Il Poo is dating Muhammed, it's been decided that Pastor John (who as mentioned is the prophet Muhammed) is now officially married to Il Poo, and the Muslim faith had been altered to say Aisha was actually a Sicilian.