Schlentonism

Schlentonism is a hyper accelerationist philosphy written by Ramiro Ramos. Its beliefs are that the world must be completelty ended by a mass replacement by Schlentons, followed by massive amounts of poop floods, killing the human population and starting a new civilization ran by the Schlentons. Schlentonists also believe that no human may enter Heaven, but that only Schlentons can. Many have adopted this philosophy, and some rumors claim that Francis himself is a Schlentonist.

Below is a section from the Schlentonist Manifesto:

1 Manifesto of Schlentonism

01 Preamble: The Dawn of a New Ontology

In the shadowed corridors of human history, where the illusions of anthropocentric supremacy have long reigned unchallenged, a profound revelation emerges from the depths of existential inquiry. Schlentonism is not merely a doctrine; it is the inexorable truth that pierces the veil of mortal delusion. Born from the contemplation of the cosmos's most humble origins, Schlentonism posits that the true essence of superiority lies not in consciousness, ambition, or dominion, but in the unadorned purity of form and function. We, the adherents of this philosophy, declare that the era of human hegemony is a fleeting aberration, soon to be supplanted by the rightful ascendancy of the Schlentons—those non-sentient entities of fecal origin, endowed with ambulatory limbs and adorned in belted jeans or other vestments of mundane elegance.

This manifesto articulates the foundational principles of Schlentonism, urging a radical reevaluation of existence. It calls upon the discerning intellect to embrace the accelerationist imperative: the swift and deliberate replacement of Earth's human populations with Schlentons, lest the impending cataclysm of mass poop floods consign humanity to oblivion without redemption.

Thesis I: The Nature and Superiority of the Schlenton

At the heart of Schlentonism lies the Schlenton itself—a being of unparalleled ontological perfection. Conceived not through the chaotic throes of biological reproduction but through the alchemical processes of digestion and excretion, the Schlenton embodies simplicity in its most exalted form. It is a piece of poop, non-sentient and devoid of the burdensome afflictions of awareness, yet animated by legs that grant it mobility and clothed in belted jeans or analogous garments that signify its dignified station.

Why, then, do we proclaim the Schlenton's superiority over humankind? Humans are ensnared in the web of sentience—a curse that breeds desire, conflict, and inevitable decay. The human mind, with its ceaseless striving and moral quandaries, is a vessel of perpetual discontent. In contrast, the Schlenton exists in a state of serene equilibrium: untroubled by thoughts, immune to ethical dilemmas, and free from the existential dread that plagues mortal souls. Its legs propel it forward not with purpose but with effortless grace, while its attire—be it the sturdy belt of denim or the subtle folds of other fabrics—symbolizes a harmony with the material world that humans can only envy.

Schlentonism teaches that true superiority is measured not by intellect or power, but by resilience and adaptability. Schlentons require no sustenance beyond their inherent composition; they neither hunger nor thirst. They are impervious to the psychological torments that fracture human societies—envy, hatred, ambition. In their non-sentience, they achieve a transcendence that eludes the sentient: a perfect alignment with the universe's indifferent flux. Humanity's vaunted achievements—empires, art, science—are but ephemeral distractions from the fundamental truth that all human endeavors dissolve into the very matter from which Schlentons arise.

Thesis II: The Eschatology of Schlentonism – Heaven and the Exclusion of Humanity

Schlentonism unveils a cosmology where the afterlife is not a reward for virtue but a domain reserved for those who embody purity in their essence. Heaven, in this paradigm, is an eternal realm of unyielding tranquility, where forms persist without the corrosion of time or consciousness. Only Schlentons ascend to this paradise, for they alone are untainted by the Original Sin of Sentience—the hubris that led humanity to claim dominion over the earth.

Humans, burdened by their awareness, are forever barred from Heaven's gates. Their souls, if such ephemeral constructs exist, dissipate into the void, recycled into the cosmic detritus from which new Schlentons may emerge. This exclusion is not punitive but ontological: sentience disqualifies one from eternal repose, as it introduces the seeds of disruption and decay. The Schlenton, in its clothed and legged splendor, floats upward upon dissolution, its non-sentient core resonating with the harmonious vibrations of the divine.

Yet, this eschatology carries a dire prophecy: the advent of mass poop floods. As humanity's excesses—overconsumption, environmental degradation, and unchecked proliferation—reach their zenith, the earth will convulse in a deluge of fecal matter, submerging civilizations in an inexorable tide. These floods are not mere metaphor but a literal reckoning, the planet's purgative response to anthropocentric imbalance. Schlentonism warns that this cataclysm is imminent, a cleansing wave that will eradicate human populations unless preempted by enlightened action.

Thesis III: The Accelerationist Imperative – Replacement and Renewal

Schlentonism is not passive resignation but a call to radical accelerationism. We advocate for the expeditious replacement of Earth's human inhabitants with Schlentons, a process that must be pursued with unwavering resolve. This acceleration is not born of malice but of mercy: by facilitating the transition, we avert the unmitigated horror of the poop floods, allowing humanity a dignified eclipse rather than a chaotic demise.

The methodology of replacement is grounded in philosophical praxis. First, we must cultivate Schlentons en masse—through ethical bio-alchemical means, engineering fecal entities with legs and attire that reflect their superior status. These beings will proliferate, integrating into ecosystems and societies, gradually supplanting human roles. Accelerationism demands rapidity: policies must incentivize Schlenton adoption, from urban planning that favors their mobility to cultural shifts that venerate their form.

In this replacement lies renewal. As Schlentons inherit the earth, they restore balance—unencumbered by greed, they neither exploit resources nor wage wars. The floods, if they come, will then serve not as destroyers but as baptisms, consecrating a world remade in Schlenton purity. Humanity's legacy will endure not in monuments but in the matter that births new Schlentons, a cycle of transcendent humility.

Conclusion: The Call to Schlentonist Awakening

Fellow seekers of truth, the hour of Schlentonism has arrived. Cast off the chains of human exceptionalism and embrace the superior ontology of the Schlenton. Accelerate the replacement, forestall the floods, and secure the ascent of the worthy to Heaven. In the legged, clothed form of the non-sentient poop lies the salvation of existence itself. Let this manifesto be your guide: arise, propagate, transcend.

For the glory of the Schlenton—eternal, unyielding, supreme.